getting back on the road
To be honest I think we all tell ourselves we are ready but are we really? Are we really ready to face the things that have knocked us down and build us up into the people we are today, are we ready to face our mountains? The real answer is no, because sometimes we are not, sometimes we are scared because we are afraid to go through it all over again and repeat the same mistakes and our lack of trust in others, and that’s totally fine, as long as we find a way to get back on the road and keep on going because life still goes on and so will we one way or another. Today was the day I finally went running because I skipped for two days, yes I know, that has never happened in the history of my running career, but when you’re up against the odds, what else do you have to do deal with when you don’t have a full stack, nothing. I had nothing no motivation no inspiration, nothing! I don’t know what’s been going on with me lately but I’ve been trying so hard to contemplate it and I’m just tired, I need to rest, I need time to myself to reflect and revive myself and gain my energy back, and for the first time that feels okay, I don’t feel guilty, and I don’t feel the need to punish myself for it, because I’m starting to see my accomplishments and what I had to go through to get here today. I want to let people know when you get to this point don’t get hopeless or down on yourself and depressed, and don’t ever feel that you should have to give everybody an explanation for taking a break because we winners, we champions in our own life’s deserve every bit of it. This past year was the most stressful, sad, hard, but yet great wonderful learning experience for me, ive made so many close friends but made too many close enemy’s, this year has mold me into the most wisest person I could ever become, therefore I am thankful for all the many obstacles I have face and overcome. And coming face to face with our challenges and offenses is a good thing for us because without them we are not able to grow as a person, it’s what gives us life and meaning in all of this. When I came to Kansas I thought this was my year to show everyone the full me of my talent and potential, but my insecurities always had to get the best of me, I got wrapped up in my demons of the past that dragged me down in my pit of frustration and doubt, why do I always let this happen, why do I have to find the flaws in everything instead of finding the good? What is that always makes me so self destructive, I guess I can say I’m figuring it out little by little but time is so short and also so precious and should be used wisely, which is another thing with me, people say I have problems with time management, well what the hell do they know, well they may be right , although its only in school that it becomes a problem, but in my department of my own very special talent were my potential seems to show, its not a problem at all. Because my running is what I know how to do and I’m good at it and what else I do too, to improve my skills in that area.
So far I’ve been feeling my self getting better and becoming more happier, it’s weird, it’s as if someone came in my emotion box and took all the sad feelings out, therefore what do I feel? Right now I’m between great and feeling nothing in my state of mind. I like it though, the state I’m in right now has been calming my nerves and making me realize the big ideal picture.
I’m now at that state of fuck this and fuck the bullshit to come next year, I’m tired of pouring my self out to everyone, trying to do good and satisfy everyone, but it’s not about making everyone happy and tend to the needs of my team just so they can get team rings, yes it may sound like I’m being a selfish bitch but I’m not. I want to be somewhere where I have a name and a title, and when getting people to challenge me to take away my title is not competition or inspiration, it’s called bringing me down and taking away what I love, power! My title! The thing I love the most that gives me a name. But in order to keep that is for me to work harder and harder until I’m the best and that kind of progress does not take 3 weeks and two months, it’s a process that takes long because you can’t rush success to be its best.
I hate you for making me want you so much!
I hate that you stopped being caring and nice to me now, because that’s the person I fell for!
I hate that you put less effort now in two our communication!
I hate that you stopped asking me if I’m okay because you know I’m not I just say yes to not burden you!
I hate the way you act!
I hate the way you changed!
I hate that you talk to the people that brought me down and threw me in the dirt!
And most of all, I hate that your becoming like one of them and believe there lies about me, because now you will be against me to, the one person I trusted, who said I won’t let anyone hurt you, when the crazy twist is, your the one who did.
It’s so interesting how you meet someone and as the years or months go by you just wonder how this person got into your life or if you didn’t make a certain choice, decision or go to a certain place at the right time and then all of a sudden, boom! There he or she is, that one person who can change your life or even save it, that’s how I feel about my best friend, Rey, at first we didn’t get along because we had so much competition towards each other but as the months went on, it’s not what it seems to be, really their doing it because they care, as I started to get to know this mysterious kid who just kept to himself, I on the other hand was dealing with a lot if hurt and resentment and things from the pass that where following me when I tried to run away from my past, but no matter how fast or as far as we run away from it, it catches up with us. He was always there, he told me I didn’t have to be alone that I can get better, that I could overcome my fears along with my past, he told me I don’t have to go through this alone, as he was telling me this, I was so curious and nervous of why he cared so much, was his intentions wore to hurt me or help me? A lot of questions were running through my mind like a speedway. As I got to know him more their was just something about him something just makes him uniquely special, as I tried figuring that out, the more he started to help me and started to be there for me even more, and now I realize that he just has a passionate loving heart and soul he may act mean and tough towards everyone but to me I see it as a costume to hide himself from his hurt and the core of it. And my whole life is being changed because of him believing in me and never giving up on me. I think if I can stay closer to him I can get back on track I can save my future and passions I’ve been striving for, it’s a great feeling to have someone like that in your life fighting for you everyday, at the same time it makes me feel good that I can fight for him too.
I broke my own curse finally and I’m set free from the fear of losing the love ones I love the most, it doesn’t always end that way even if we want it too, we lose them because of life’s purposes in which we cannot understand but keep asking for reasons why they happen and end up with nothing in return and the other is when we push them away by fear of them getting to close or knowing what’s behind the thick brick walls that protect us when really it’s us hopeless hiding behind them, sheltering our selves. It’s a lonely place, a place where no one should have to spend temporary time, alone behind them, because I used to be a believer in the worst case scenario “scared of life” sort of thing, but really theirs nothing to even fear, what we fear is ourselves , fear of us not becoming who we want to be, being who we want to be, fear of getting hurt, fear of facing our problems, fear of wondering where we are going to be in the next ten years, we all have fears but how we react towards it is what determines what we are made out of, are we going to sit and wait and hope for the worst to happen or are we going to put down our shields and face our giants and be fearless, I know I can, because I did it, I was scared and risk a lot in the beginning of it because life is all about taking risk and being free, yes life is unpredictable, it’s what it’s known for, but really it’s what makes us the great people we turn out to be in the end and we all have story’s, what’s yours?
I have my reasons when it comes to me not trusting people, because when you feel safe and decide to break the walls down, theres always someone who fires and they always give up on you when things get tough or complicated so maybe I should see this as a lesson to the question I’ve been asking myself. Or people really there for you and care? And the answer is no, not really. My fear came to life, I pushed away the one person who cared and he’s not coming back, and I broke down the walls just for him and he rejected my offer and now he saw a good look inside and the only way to protect myself from letting him in is if I leave back home and start over again and make sure not to let no one in for good because its safer that way. After all this I suspected I would feel like drinking to numb my pain but the walls this time are built higher and stronger with thick bricks impossible to break! Suppressing every wound and the core to my problems, pain and sadness. I won’t lose hope though,maybe my happiness is not here but somewhere else out there. I know I’m close to finding it, it’s just going to take a little more time. I really am going to miss him though, he has a good heart and I’m happy for the person who is going to have him as a friend because they will probably appreciate him and won’t take him for granted and realize what he or she has is gold and worth so much that its priceless. Sorry I let you get away.